Tonight calls for a great song; and this one couldn’t be more appropiate…”when you feel the rain come down; it’s alright when you find your way…”

(Created with TuneWiki using Michael Andrews lyrics)



(Created with TuneWiki using Michael Andrews lyrics)

Halloween

After the storm Sandy scared the hell out of everyone this week; I decided that it was time for me to get out of my apartment and celebrate Halloween.  I was indoors for two and half days and after watching numerous TV seasons programs I felt that I was loosing it and getting a bit mad. This would have been a different story if I had someone to spend my storm incarceration with.   I could have agreed to my ex “papito” and invited him to stay over when he past my house looking of his bike pump; but I didn’t think it was fair for him due that he seems not to understand the different places we are in.  I wouldn’t mind him staying over and enjoying each other company; but I know he wouldn’t see it like that and it would have been just a set back for him who has numerous time told me “he wanted to get away and move on”.  He may see me as the guy who doesn’t care about his feelings but I disagree.  We just have different visions of our lives I guess.  Anyway, I’m not a big complainer; I wouldn’t mind staying home for days, weeks or months if I have someone to eat soup and crackers with; someone to wake up next to or to invent cocktails at breakfast; I wouldn’t really care.   But I needed to get out of my place so I took a bus downtown as crazy as the experience was I didn’t care, I was on my own world and I was far away from what was happening around me.

This was my second Halloween that I spend with my friend Lisa. I recalled our first one which was totally unplanned and unexpectedly lots of fun and thinking of that spirit we decided to duplicate that and keep it low and casual.   I got a pretty good chance to think about this past year while I waited for Lisa and Harald at the designated restaurant; they were stuck in traffic and I was holding a bottle of wine while I waited.  Nothing to do then but to browse my phone and remembering some past memories and events that have filled this year.  I recalled the guy I met on the last Halloween, I decided to send him a “happy anniversary” message even though we are not in any kind of relationship except for the type that randomly we still text each other.   I recalled the lost of my mother and the unfinished business that have scared me for life.  I remembered the good news I have received based on the hard work I have put on this year and how rewarding that has been.   In less than a hour I went through many emotions trying to figure out where I was and what has happened.  At the end I felt good because I couldn’t have been so fortunate.  I could be on the street with no home or power, I could be asking someone for help and not feel confident that I would get it.  I felt really lucky that I have what I have and that I was where I was at that moment.  

My friend finally came and my thoughts then were to try to have a good time and enjoy our time.  At the beginning I felt I was missing something and even though I knew what it was I didn’t want to agree with my own thoughts… We had dinner and had great talks about life, people and our own Sandy situations… Shortly after dinner we changed venue to the gay nightclub XL; it was my second time there; the first time was a cabaret night which was kind of fun, but I didn’t stay more than 30 minutes; this time was more for the dance which I hadn’t been in months if not years. Walking in and listening to the music I felt a bit of rush and excited, reminiscing the old times kind of way, but that didn’t last long as we walked in and saw a bunch on kids in ass-less costumes parading the dance floor like a carnival; I slowly gave in and started to loose myself a bit.  Of course, at this point I had a few cocktails running through my veins so it wasn’t too difficult.   Lisa and I danced around, met some boys; either we were interested on their costumes and their dedication for creating some of the sequences that probably two them hours of weeks.  The we both caught a glance of a seven foot talk handsome guy who happen to be watching us dance, we both stop and say “wow, he is hot!” almost at the same time.   That’s when we decided to stay a little longer and see what happens.  We both agreed that we haven’t seen such a beautiful man in a long time; and we thought this guy can’t be by himself so we went back to our little dancing corner.  A few minutes later he decided to join the dance floor and keep staring at us; I wasn’t so much into him then because in a way I thought he was out of my league until… Long story short, we ended up kissing and dancing together, and the best part that encounter was that we didn’t even hook up or cared to get to know each other; that was just a club kiss and that was that; started and ended there.

I come to realized that no matter how hard you think your life is; it could be a lot more worse.  I’m learning to embrace things as they come, grab them, enjoy them, and keeping moving forward; great if I have someone to share those great moments that keep running through my head; but I won’t stop if I don’t.  I have give a lot and trust a lot and it has set me back; but grateful for the experiences because I have learned and it has enriched me in ways that I would never had if I didn’t dare to do them.

This could be Halloween but there’s no reason to be scare…

Midnight and this is the song that came on my play list… anyone up for last dance? come on! don’t make me feel like a fool…

I always been told that I have very depressing music; and this video who happens one of latest song obsession just prove it.  I don’t understand why exactly since I am not in a position where I could say I’m depress; in fact, maybe ten years ago I could say that I felt like the tittle of this song “invisible”, but not today.  Long time ago I used to do exactly what this song says and probably that’s why maybe I’m so attached to it today; but no longer have those feelings or thoughts.  I think I have grown out of it… anyway, I think the song talk about not being ourselves and trying too hard to be someone we are not. And just like my previous posting, I am not changing who I am for anyone.  I think I did it too much and too often on the past and I lost myself on that road, but today is a different story.

"it’s not easy to be me" quiet a line on this song and the tittle that wishes us to be "superman".   In a way very contradicting since we dream to be superheroes but yet claiming that our lives is not easy even when it just supposed to be normal.

This song made me think, and yes I know, recently songs has been the inspiration of some of my posting; but that’s where I normally go when I want to scape my own demons - thoughts.  I listen to music and let my imagination take over, I dream and recreate moments in my life and basically give it a soundtrack that will accompany it and make it all better;  or sometimes just add a bit of color to it even though it is not a positive moment that I want it to be.

"Superman" because I wish I had power to please everyone and make them believe that being me is easy.  I sometimes think of myself as an enigma because I can’t even figure out myself on my own,  I listen to my critics and try to make an assumption based on information that I get from others who seems to know better than myself how I feel or think.  How can they even know?  I just don’t get it.   I’m trying to stick to my plan and follow my instincts and desires of how I feel about myself.  

Recently the past has circled around and return just like a tornato swirling around and destroying everything on its path;  inetably can’t control the past; but I can surely do the future and I’m destined to make better.  I’m not quiet sure why it is easier for me than for the ones who sorround me to see that what happened on the past it is just that; and that’s something can’t be changed;  I try to be a positive person but I’ve been told the oposite just because I neglect to revisit those moments that I think should be left behind.

"it’s not easy" no matter what I do can’t be the right thing for anyone, try to please people and they just don’t get it; I wonder if it has to do with selfishness that we only think of ourselves and forget to see beyond that… I don’t know but something that I might have put some thoughts myself.

Today’s song ~

making my own sounds!

Like a piano that is waiting to be touched, played, waiting for those strings to make some sounds…

Life can be the same way sometimes, waiting for us to touch it, grab it and make the best of it. 

 
I no longer wait, life will be what I make of it, not longer waiting for something to happen.  Something that may come or not, today I start making my own sounds, my own music, and my life will be full of it. 

 
We can either make the change or wait for the change to happen;  I choose to make the change. I’m tired, and don’t mean physically which I am too, but tired of waiting for others to change, waiting for others to realize and open their eyes. They might as well stay blind their whole life, but if one day they decide to wake up, I know for sure that I won’t be there waiting…



I want…

I want to inspire.

Like writing songs.

The most beautiful love songs.

Songs that you - I will sing into yours mine ears.

Songs that you will whisper in the middle of the night

So I don’t forget while I’m asleep.