My whole life I felt under appreciated and deprived of love. And all for reasons I guess I can or cannot explain; but I’m not even going to get into my life history here as most of it just want to forget. But I will say about my recent experiences with love and and other things is that it has been a roller coaster. Moments of highs and other of lows and others. I have given myself to the idea of love multiple times and I think I have given it all when I felt it; and for unknown reasons I still came short of the those dreams that I thought were so reachable; for whatever reasons never got there. I’m not perfect; and I know it; but I know also of what I’m worth and what I deserved; and when you give everything in the name of love the least someone expect is love in return or some sort of happiness fulfillment that at times seems for a very exclusive group.
I used to be easily influenced by other people but as experience has thought me, I have changed and not longer let people influence me at least not to the same extend, but I also noticed that by doing so, there are new perception of who I am. If you follow someone directions or a group of people you become vulnerable and if you don’t, then you become an a#$hole. Today, social influence is something that I find quite damaging because prevent us from being who we really are or want to become and force us to become dependable on others and other’s opinions. We may think we have more freedom now, but the more I think about it, it’s actually the opposite. We are prisoned by other people’s influences, we feel that if we don’t do the same or follow we are not being relevant, that we are being left behind. There’s no more prove than social media, if someone start a trend, millions will follow without thinking the repercussions that a simple action may have in others; and this could be a positive one if we want, but we are allowing others to decide for us.
I guess my point is that we should open our eyes, think and analyze before saying yes or clicking a button. The choices are out there whether we choose them ourselves or let somebody else do them for us. We should use the power of influence for good and not for damaging ourselves more that we already have.
It has been a few months since I’ve saw the Broadway Show If/Then, but it got me thinking about the storyline of a person living side by side two different lives based on the decision one would have made, but did not. I thought it was quite interesting as we sometimes think what would have happened if I had not made that decision or if I would have done something differently. Anyway, this is not a review of the Broadway Show, but I thought of the many decisions that I have made in my life and whether I regret them or not or if had the chance to go back would I change them. Many times we hear can’t live in the past must think of the future and it get confusing because the decisions I will make in the future are based on the ones I made on the past; who would want the same bad things to happen again or maybe is not about bad things; maybe I want to same that I had before because it what would make me happy.
I personally like not to regret any decisions as I have always move forward with my life and rarely looking back, but there are times when reflecting thoughts comes to my mind and just make me wonder.
Today life moves as usual for me and even though it has been a while since I posted anything here, I think not much has changed. Actually, there might be a few things. I’m extremely happy with my work, even when it get crazy and overwhelming; I’m happy I made the decision of changing job at the beginning of the year and on this position I’m learning a lot about Sales & Marketing for the hotel, my work network has increased as well as my responsibilities. On a more personal note, I couldn’t be happier how things are planning out in general. I have a beautiful husband and recently we both welcomed our newest addition to the family, Benji. The cutest dog ever, yeah I’m sure everyone says that about their dogs, but this one is really cute. He is a miniature Australian Shepherd. I have been traveling a bit for work, but that’s something I really want to do more for myself. I want to discover more about our world and humanity, it has always been my desires and continue to be on top of my “to do” list. Oh, and also to be more diligent with my posting here, it seems I don’t get to do as often as I wish to.
I’m on a third day of a seven days cleansing and detoxing, and I’m not sure how I got here except that it has been a very interesting ride past since my last post. Many exciting things happened and more on the way. In many ways, it has been time of cleaning, new beginnings and setting the tone for the future.
Last year goals were to find a new job and to finally become an American citizen. The job didn’t quiet happened, but I did manage to get my citizenship for which almost took me 20 years to get. I continue my growth and development on my field while waiting for opportunities to come. In many ways, I felt accomplished yet when it came to my job I was in need of a challenge. Being in the hospitality can be very monotonous sometimes regardless of people’s opinion. So I waited until now…
On a more personal note, lots have happened as well. This 2014 brought lots of changes. I recently married my beautiful boyfriend, Rafael aka BB, for which I’m so grateful to have in my life, his personality and affection has given me comfort, serenity and confidence that I didn’t think was possible. He is loving and adorable in so many ways that many of the accomplishments I have archived in the past 12 months wouldn’t have been possible without him. For him, I’m grateful and thankful.
And so I embarked on another year feeling accomplished, I set my new goals in life. I know that persistence is the key, and of course, learning from history to avoid repeating the same mistakes. I’m not sure what the future hold; and I’m not worry because whatever it is, I feel more prepared than before, and I’m embracing every opportunities for learning and experiencing life.
I guess there is not message on this post except for being positive, and accepting who you are and what life has intended for everyone. I’m being positive as my hard work is paying off, and there is not greater feeling than that. In less than two weeks I start my new job at a familiar company, I will go back with Starwood Hotels and will be holding a higher management position. Even though I didn’t get the job last year, I’m starting this year with another accomplishment goal. I think it will set the tone for what’s coming ahead this year.
thoughts, questions… accomplishments.
As I embrace my new journey or life; I sometimes find myself wondering. I wonder about the choices we have and the decisions we make. Are those the right ones? what if? How could I? etc. etc. I have always been the kind that think too much; perhaps analyze too much too and for that reason I tend to doubt myself and sometimes even question myself. I wish that every single decision I made don’t affect or hurt anyone, and feel confident that it always the best, or the right one to make. I sometimes think that just may be alright to question and to wonder; that’s probably better than being impulsive and just going “for it” without any thoughts into it. Our minds can play such games sometimes. How do we prevent it for making us feel its winning over us or that perhaps giving up to it is not a bad thing.
I’m on a very happy moment right now; things are going quiet well I must say, I’m currently in a fresh, young relationship where it feels like every day is a blessing and I should be totally grateful for that, and I am! However, there are times where the mind, again, play us and it’s like want to test us and play this game that happiness is never fully there, that perhaps, we should feel that we need to constantly work for it, constantly not forgetting why we have it or deserve it. It is like now that you have what you wanted; you still need to do more to keep it.
This may not sound as positive as I thought would be, but I have everything going well for me; I’m enjoy life, work, new adventures, and learning something every day which bring the excitement to my life. I just wish the thoughts sometimes would cease and let me just enjoy thoroughly what I have and have worked for so much.
As I mentioned above, things are going well for me right now. I’m super happy and excited. I’m looking forward to a couple of getting away trips #bb and I have planned. It was always been a dream of mine to travel more and learn more about people. I have done it a few times on the past and I have always feel jealous of the adventures people grab about. But I have never given up the dream of being able to travel more and finally I feel that I’m getting that accomplish.
I also feel that I’m getting closer to some other dreams that I will post more about them here later. But it’s always a nice feeling to feel that life is moving forward; that even though it is at a very slow pace that the one I wish for, I least I do not feel stuck or that time is being wasted.
ah. love. and other things…
An Open Letter
I’m sorry that my text wasn’t what you expected. It wasn’t mean to be anything at all except for perhaps some cry to make conversation, maybe more than conversation to seek answers to my own confusion at the moment. I thought that perhaps you would be more understandable as open as you say you are. It even less meant to degrade you or make you feel uncomfortable at all. For that I’m sorry; as I am for your childhood too. I believe that children who have a happy childhood have a happy life. For those who have a history or a not so pleasant one need to learn how to cope with it, live it, love it and learn from it. But also learn how to let go, how to forgive, and most importantly how to move forward from it. I sometimes feel that people use their childhood as an excuse to become better, not to fight for better life and often times use their past to ruin their future; but if we learn from it and let it be what it is and move forward; I think we can have better lives. I’m not saying that your childhood doesn’t need work even after you grow up, I think if you have open wounds maybe it’s time to fine a way to cure them and close them. Only after that you will be free; only after than you can be happy.
By the way, I may have judged you before about you being online. Before when it really meant something to our relationship and me. Now, I’m more open-minded I guess or call it understandable. But I must admit that still bothers me a little and I think that’s normal, no? I’m a human being. Do I think you need to be online to feel confortable talking to someone,? No. Do I think you need to overcome your shyness on sex websites? No. And what value does it have if some complete stranger who has no clue about your life and your past gives you a compliment? Is it really truthful? I don’t think so. Don’t you rather have that from someone who knows you or care about you either as a friend or lover; I think it has more meaning, don’t you think? But I again, we all have our ways of coping with things. Some people has faster, more productive methods and some are failures; I guess the best is the ones that gives us result; positive ones!
Theirs is a part of me that is very sad that our moment didn’t become what I expected it to be. Like you said; it’s no one’s faults but perhaps the time. I’m glad though that we met and experience what we did; otherwise we wouldn’t be here today being stronger human beings. Do I wish a different result, perhaps, but I’m happy to have us in each other’s lives.
I am open, and love you too!
Eighteen years ago I came to this country not knowing that I would stay this long. The trip was supposed to be an opportunity for the future if we, my brothers and sister, would wanted to come back and look for a better life. It was another opportunity for me since we were strangers to one another. I had different expectations of how that would come out from the actual way it did but that’s a whole different story. This is more about the places I’ve been and the ones yet I have to experience. Once again I contemplate the option of moving to a new neighborhood. Not that I hate my current one; but it just that there isn’t anything around me that might even feel that I could have as an option. I have learned to love my place and now that I’m getting used to its quietness; but I get bored of the area since it is nonexistent. I wonder if this says something about my personality or if there are any hidden messages to it that I need to tell my psychologist.
Since I came here I can say that I have move probably more than ten times and it might be and indication for the history I have looking for “home”. That special place where you build something, not necessarily a building, but an actual home that you learn to love and care for. I still feel incomplete on the sense that no matter how many times I move to either better place or neighborhood yet still don’t feel like home. That feeling by be there for a while; but quickly disappear. I like my place but there’s something about the area that scream at me “get out”. Since I have a couple of months to really make up my mind; I’m going to look around and see if there’s any area that I might want to move to. I know for sure that I want to live alone even though sometimes I contemplate the idea of having a roommate; but I feel I’m too old of that; but loneliness is a bitch and roommate since to be the cure for it. Who knows, maybe I’m lucky and find something near where some of my friends lives and can use that as an excuse to turn up at their doorsteps once that loneliness comes and since financially I’m doing a bit better financially, I might be able to afford it a better neighborhood.
a bit star stroked
it was just another busy day at work; I was on a deep work mode trying to accomplished everything before my break; normally that happens an hour before I leave work, but this two ladies rolled in from the revolving door and as soon as I glanced at them I realized that one of them was very striking familiar. I started kicking my friend Lisa behind the desk and whispering the wrong names; but I knew who she was, she walked further and closer to me and suddenly we were almost face to face. SoonI caught myself staring; she took her white border dark glasses and looked into my eyes and ask me “I’m here to see Kulukundis”; apparently they are friends and she comes often to my work place, but this was the first time I see her so close and felt her eyes looking so deep into my soul. I have to admit that normally celebrities don’t do anything for me and I hardly care for them, but this one got me a bit nervous as I got excited to see her just minutes after talking about her video when she performed to the Queen of England. Still now I can’t believe that someone who I’m not the biggest fan of had me in such state. Love that something exciting like this happened on a crazy week like this one and so thank you Grace Jones for making my day.
Almost half an hour before I departed work for the fourth day; this young lady approached me and with a sweet voice ask me “I believe you have my scooter in storage”; once again I found myself stroked by another beauty; this one is one that I would probably go straight for and marry and have tones of kids with; but at that time composure was needed and what keeps us on our job and help us deliver the service expected at our property. I seen many celebrities and I have got the chance to exchange pleasantries but surely only a few got me excited or make me write about them. I just couldn’t believe that in less than two hours I met and exchanged words with two ladies that not only I find talented but that really made me feel something when I saw them in person; not many can really archive such a thing and I’m glad for it. I will be seeing you soon Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables!
After the storm Sandy scared the hell out of everyone this week; I decided that it was time for me to get out of my apartment and celebrate Halloween. I was indoors for two and half days and after watching numerous TV seasons programs I felt that I was loosing it and getting a bit mad. This would have been a different story if I had someone to spend my storm incarceration with. I could have agreed to my ex “papito” and invited him to stay over when he past my house looking of his bike pump; but I didn’t think it was fair for him due that he seems not to understand the different places we are in. I wouldn’t mind him staying over and enjoying each other company; but I know he wouldn’t see it like that and it would have been just a set back for him who has numerous time told me “he wanted to get away and move on”. He may see me as the guy who doesn’t care about his feelings but I disagree. We just have different visions of our lives I guess. Anyway, I’m not a big complainer; I wouldn’t mind staying home for days, weeks or months if I have someone to eat soup and crackers with; someone to wake up next to or to invent cocktails at breakfast; I wouldn’t really care. But I needed to get out of my place so I took a bus downtown as crazy as the experience was I didn’t care, I was on my own world and I was far away from what was happening around me.
This was my second Halloween that I spend with my friend Lisa. I recalled our first one which was totally unplanned and unexpectedly lots of fun and thinking of that spirit we decided to duplicate that and keep it low and casual. I got a pretty good chance to think about this past year while I waited for Lisa and Harald at the designated restaurant; they were stuck in traffic and I was holding a bottle of wine while I waited. Nothing to do then but to browse my phone and remembering some past memories and events that have filled this year. I recalled the guy I met on the last Halloween, I decided to send him a “happy anniversary” message even though we are not in any kind of relationship except for the type that randomly we still text each other. I recalled the lost of my mother and the unfinished business that have scared me for life. I remembered the good news I have received based on the hard work I have put on this year and how rewarding that has been. In less than a hour I went through many emotions trying to figure out where I was and what has happened. At the end I felt good because I couldn’t have been so fortunate. I could be on the street with no home or power, I could be asking someone for help and not feel confident that I would get it. I felt really lucky that I have what I have and that I was where I was at that moment.
My friend finally came and my thoughts then were to try to have a good time and enjoy our time. At the beginning I felt I was missing something and even though I knew what it was I didn’t want to agree with my own thoughts… We had dinner and had great talks about life, people and our own Sandy situations… Shortly after dinner we changed venue to the gay nightclub XL; it was my second time there; the first time was a cabaret night which was kind of fun, but I didn’t stay more than 30 minutes; this time was more for the dance which I hadn’t been in months if not years. Walking in and listening to the music I felt a bit of rush and excited, reminiscing the old times kind of way, but that didn’t last long as we walked in and saw a bunch on kids in ass-less costumes parading the dance floor like a carnival; I slowly gave in and started to loose myself a bit. Of course, at this point I had a few cocktails running through my veins so it wasn’t too difficult. Lisa and I danced around, met some boys; either we were interested on their costumes and their dedication for creating some of the sequences that probably two them hours of weeks. The we both caught a glance of a seven foot talk handsome guy who happen to be watching us dance, we both stop and say “wow, he is hot!” almost at the same time. That’s when we decided to stay a little longer and see what happens. We both agreed that we haven’t seen such a beautiful man in a long time; and we thought this guy can’t be by himself so we went back to our little dancing corner. A few minutes later he decided to join the dance floor and keep staring at us; I wasn’t so much into him then because in a way I thought he was out of my league until… Long story short, we ended up kissing and dancing together, and the best part that encounter was that we didn’t even hook up or cared to get to know each other; that was just a club kiss and that was that; started and ended there.
I come to realized that no matter how hard you think your life is; it could be a lot more worse. I’m learning to embrace things as they come, grab them, enjoy them, and keeping moving forward; great if I have someone to share those great moments that keep running through my head; but I won’t stop if I don’t. I have give a lot and trust a lot and it has set me back; but grateful for the experiences because I have learned and it has enriched me in ways that I would never had if I didn’t dare to do them.
This could be Halloween but there’s no reason to be scare…
Random search made me go back in time and read some of my older posts. I realized that they weren’t the most positive ones and it seems that I only write when I’m not the happiest mood. Not that I care whether I sound positive or not; but I decided that maybe I should write about other things other than my deeper thoughts and sound less suicidal. lol! Today, I made the decision that I should be writing more about other things; that I should celebrate more and give credit to every aspect of my life; not everything is depressing, downer, ugly or unhappy in it.
Here to new thoughts, positive thoughts and sharing new life.
I will star with a couple of jokes I read recently; good icebreakers:
Baron Von Bronx: “The Bronx: When there’s just no time to go to Afghanistan”
King of Kings: “Brooklyn: Where someone can yell at a stranger “suck my d*@$! and the response is ‘is it organic?”
Marquis of Manhattan: “Manhattan. Where if you die on the sidewalk, you are still in someone’s way.”
Queens quasher: “if you ride the subway in Queens long enough, you won’t need to buy Rosetta Stone”