Eros: Random Affairs...

Dear Friend,

I’m sorry that my text wasn’t what you expected.  It wasn’t mean to be anything at all except for perhaps some cry to make conversation, maybe more than conversation to seek answers to my own confusion at the moment.  I thought that perhaps you would be more understandable as open as you say you are. It even less meant to degrade you or make you feel uncomfortable at all.  For that I’m sorry; as I am for your childhood too.  I believe that children who have a happy childhood have a happy life.  For those who have a history or a not so pleasant one need to learn how to cope with it, live it, love it and learn from it.   But also learn how to let go, how to forgive, and most importantly how to move forward from it.   I sometimes feel that people use their childhood as an excuse to become better, not to fight for better life and often times use their past to ruin their future; but if we learn from it and let it be what it is and move forward; I think we can have better lives.  I’m not saying that your childhood doesn’t need work even after you grow up, I think if you have open wounds maybe it’s time to fine a way to cure them and close them.  Only after that you will be free; only after than you can be happy. 

By the way, I may have judged you before about you being online.  Before when it really meant something to our relationship and me.  Now, I’m more open-minded I guess or call it understandable.  But I must admit that still bothers me a little and I think that’s normal, no? I’m a human being.   Do I think you need to be online to feel confortable talking to someone,? No.  Do I think you need to overcome your shyness on sex websites? No.  And what value does it have if some complete stranger who has no clue about your life and your past gives you a compliment?  Is it really truthful? I don’t think so.   Don’t you rather have that from someone who knows you or care about you either as a friend or lover; I think it has more meaning, don’t you think?  But I again, we all have our ways of coping with things.  Some people has faster, more productive methods and some are failures; I guess the best is the ones that gives us result; positive ones!

Theirs is a part of me that is very sad that our moment didn’t become what I expected it to be.  Like you said; it’s no one’s faults but perhaps the time.  I’m glad though that we met and experience what we did; otherwise we wouldn’t be here today being stronger human beings.  Do I wish a different result, perhaps, but I’m happy to have us in each other’s lives.

I am open, and love you too!

_pollito

Eighteen years ago I came to this country not knowing that I would stay this long. The trip was supposed to be an opportunity for the future if we, my brothers and sister, would wanted to come back and look for a better life.  It was another opportunity for me since we were strangers to one another.  I had different expectations of how that would come out from the actual way it did but that’s a whole different story. This is more about the places I’ve been and the ones yet I have to experience.  Once again I contemplate the option of moving to a new neighborhood. Not that I hate my current one; but it just that there isn’t anything around me that might even feel that I could have as an option.  I have learned to love my place and now that I’m getting used to its quietness; but I get bored of the area since it is nonexistent.  I wonder if this says something about my personality or if there are any hidden messages to it that I need to tell my psychologist.  

Since I came here I can say that I have move probably more than ten times and it might be and indication for the history I have looking for “home”.  That special place where you build something, not necessarily a building, but an actual home that you learn to love and care for.  I still feel incomplete on the sense that no matter how many times I move to either better place or neighborhood yet still don’t feel like home.  That feeling by be there for a while; but quickly disappear.  I like my place but there’s something about the area that scream at me “get out”.  Since I have a couple of months to really make up my mind; I’m going to look around and see if there’s any area that I might want to move to.  I know for sure that I want to live alone even though sometimes I contemplate the idea of having a roommate; but I feel I’m too old of that; but loneliness is a bitch and roommate since to be the cure for it.  Who knows, maybe I’m lucky and find something near where some of my friends lives and can use that as an excuse to turn up at their doorsteps once that loneliness comes and since financially I’m doing a bit better financially, I might be able to afford it a better neighborhood.

it was just another busy day at work; I was on a deep work mode trying to accomplished everything before my break; normally that happens an hour before I leave work, but this two ladies rolled in from the revolving door and as soon as I glanced at them I realized that one of them was very striking familiar. I started kicking my friend Lisa behind the desk and whispering the wrong names; but I knew who she was, she walked further and closer to me and suddenly we were almost face to face. SoonI caught myself staring; she took her white border dark glasses and looked into my eyes and ask me “I’m here to see Kulukundis”; apparently they are friends and she comes often to my work place, but this was the first time I see her so close and felt her eyes looking so deep into my soul. I have to admit that normally celebrities don’t do anything for me and I hardly care for them, but this one got me a bit nervous as I got excited to see her just minutes after talking about her video when she performed to the Queen of England. Still now I can’t believe that someone who I’m not the biggest fan of had me in such state. Love that something exciting like this happened on a crazy week like this one and so thank you Grace Jones for making my day.

Almost half an hour before I departed work for the fourth day; this young lady approached me and with a sweet voice ask me “I believe you have my scooter in storage”; once again I found myself stroked by another beauty; this one is one that I would probably go straight for and marry and have tones of kids with; but at that time composure was needed and what keeps us on our job and help us deliver the service expected at our property. I seen many celebrities and I have got the chance to exchange pleasantries but surely only a few got me excited or make me write about them. I just couldn’t believe that in less than two hours I met and exchanged words with two ladies that not only I find talented but that really made me feel something when I saw them in person; not many can really archive such a thing and I’m glad for it. I will be seeing you soon Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables!

After the storm Sandy scared the hell out of everyone this week; I decided that it was time for me to get out of my apartment and celebrate Halloween.  I was indoors for two and half days and after watching numerous TV seasons programs I felt that I was loosing it and getting a bit mad. This would have been a different story if I had someone to spend my storm incarceration with.   I could have agreed to my ex “papito” and invited him to stay over when he past my house looking of his bike pump; but I didn’t think it was fair for him due that he seems not to understand the different places we are in.  I wouldn’t mind him staying over and enjoying each other company; but I know he wouldn’t see it like that and it would have been just a set back for him who has numerous time told me “he wanted to get away and move on”.  He may see me as the guy who doesn’t care about his feelings but I disagree.  We just have different visions of our lives I guess.  Anyway, I’m not a big complainer; I wouldn’t mind staying home for days, weeks or months if I have someone to eat soup and crackers with; someone to wake up next to or to invent cocktails at breakfast; I wouldn’t really care.   But I needed to get out of my place so I took a bus downtown as crazy as the experience was I didn’t care, I was on my own world and I was far away from what was happening around me.

This was my second Halloween that I spend with my friend Lisa. I recalled our first one which was totally unplanned and unexpectedly lots of fun and thinking of that spirit we decided to duplicate that and keep it low and casual.   I got a pretty good chance to think about this past year while I waited for Lisa and Harald at the designated restaurant; they were stuck in traffic and I was holding a bottle of wine while I waited.  Nothing to do then but to browse my phone and remembering some past memories and events that have filled this year.  I recalled the guy I met on the last Halloween, I decided to send him a “happy anniversary” message even though we are not in any kind of relationship except for the type that randomly we still text each other.   I recalled the lost of my mother and the unfinished business that have scared me for life.  I remembered the good news I have received based on the hard work I have put on this year and how rewarding that has been.   In less than a hour I went through many emotions trying to figure out where I was and what has happened.  At the end I felt good because I couldn’t have been so fortunate.  I could be on the street with no home or power, I could be asking someone for help and not feel confident that I would get it.  I felt really lucky that I have what I have and that I was where I was at that moment.  

My friend finally came and my thoughts then were to try to have a good time and enjoy our time.  At the beginning I felt I was missing something and even though I knew what it was I didn’t want to agree with my own thoughts… We had dinner and had great talks about life, people and our own Sandy situations… Shortly after dinner we changed venue to the gay nightclub XL; it was my second time there; the first time was a cabaret night which was kind of fun, but I didn’t stay more than 30 minutes; this time was more for the dance which I hadn’t been in months if not years. Walking in and listening to the music I felt a bit of rush and excited, reminiscing the old times kind of way, but that didn’t last long as we walked in and saw a bunch on kids in ass-less costumes parading the dance floor like a carnival; I slowly gave in and started to loose myself a bit.  Of course, at this point I had a few cocktails running through my veins so it wasn’t too difficult.   Lisa and I danced around, met some boys; either we were interested on their costumes and their dedication for creating some of the sequences that probably two them hours of weeks.  The we both caught a glance of a seven foot talk handsome guy who happen to be watching us dance, we both stop and say “wow, he is hot!” almost at the same time.   That’s when we decided to stay a little longer and see what happens.  We both agreed that we haven’t seen such a beautiful man in a long time; and we thought this guy can’t be by himself so we went back to our little dancing corner.  A few minutes later he decided to join the dance floor and keep staring at us; I wasn’t so much into him then because in a way I thought he was out of my league until… Long story short, we ended up kissing and dancing together, and the best part that encounter was that we didn’t even hook up or cared to get to know each other; that was just a club kiss and that was that; started and ended there.

I come to realized that no matter how hard you think your life is; it could be a lot more worse.  I’m learning to embrace things as they come, grab them, enjoy them, and keeping moving forward; great if I have someone to share those great moments that keep running through my head; but I won’t stop if I don’t.  I have give a lot and trust a lot and it has set me back; but grateful for the experiences because I have learned and it has enriched me in ways that I would never had if I didn’t dare to do them.

This could be Halloween but there’s no reason to be scare…

Random search made me go back in time and read some of my older posts. I realized that they weren’t the most positive ones and it seems that I only write when I’m not the happiest mood. Not that I care whether I sound positive or not; but I decided that maybe I should write about other things other than my deeper thoughts and sound less suicidal. lol! Today, I made the decision that I should be writing more about other things; that I should celebrate more and give credit to every aspect of my life; not everything is depressing, downer, ugly or unhappy in it.

Here to new thoughts, positive thoughts and sharing new life.

I will star with a couple of jokes I read recently; good icebreakers:

Baron Von Bronx: “The Bronx: When there’s just no time to go to Afghanistan”

King of Kings: “Brooklyn: Where someone can yell at a stranger “suck my d*@$! and the response is ‘is it organic?”

Marquis of Manhattan: “Manhattan. Where if you die on the sidewalk, you are still in someone’s way.”

Queens quasher: “if you ride the subway in Queens long enough, you won’t need to buy Rosetta Stone”

happy alone

sharing a smile

so far from home

what is freedom really?  are we ever free or we just like the idea, thoughts that we could once be.  what is it really when our ideals of freedom are to do something freely without opposition but when I really think about it I don’t think we ever free completely.  There’s always something that hold us back and it’s our mind, our conscious perhaps; but whatever it is; it has prevented me from doing or saying what’s really on my mind sometimes and even though I’m freeing myself from it I still feel it.  I see people afraid of not being liked, and I see myself of being careful, perhaps caring a little and I still wish to feel human for the same reason, but there are times where that doesn’t come across and that’s when I wish I weren’t trapped on my own thoughts or feelings.  Something I’m learning is to embrace freedom and really do what it means.  I have come a long way and as ludicrous as it may seems to me; I feel I still have lot to learn.   I’m glad where I am now compare to where I’ve been. I hoping for better times where I’m not longer prisoner of my own thoughts or conscious. 

The title of this posting; it’s not an exclamation of any kind; in fact, it’s about two different elements that brought some more wonders to my head.   and yes, I do wonder a lot which make my wonder a continuous element of my existence.  

GOD. everyone sort of know who this fellow is.  Or at least think we know.  Is the one we turn to when our friends and family are not there, fed up with our “wondering”, or they just don’t give a shit about what’s going on with our lives.   God, the one we think is sort of responsible for all the good things that happens to us; but not for the bad ones…

Anyway, I recently started wondering about GOD after seeing a Broadway play called GRACE.   Yeah, I know.  God is in showbiz. no really…

GRACE. explore everything we believe in about God and the human kind.  Everything that has to do with faith and/or believing.  Do we believe God exist?  and if we do; is he or she responsible for the things that happens to all of us?  Do we believe that we are here for a reason, creation of God and that whenever we about to kill ourselves is because we are being tested by the almighty?  I don’t know, but GRACE made me wonder a lot as I have probably mentioned ten times.  I come from a very religious family which practically believe that every particle on the universe is an act of God.   I believe that someone or something created us; but I’m having a hard time believing that the wrong and the ugly that happen to us is because of the same.  I’m having disbelieves that there’s a reason or an excuse to go through the emotions that we experience from time to time or always because of the bad events in our lives are part of God test.

Being alive is like being in a play; we born and that’s the opening act, we grow and that’s the development of the story, we grow old and die; and that’s when the curtain goes down; but what is after the curtain goes down?   what’s there a purpose while we were here alive on stage? did the actor, us, made us believe in something, made us get closer to  one another? or we just dismissed the story and believe our own?

I want to be remembered.  Maybe I won’t; but if I do, I’m sure won’t be all good, and that’s OK with me.  I don’t expect to have translated the story of my life so people believe what I want.  I think it will suffice that I’m remembered.  I wish to do well enough not be forgotten, I wish to do well enough to have the tiniest impact in someone’s life that I won’t  that would create someone else’s story more interesting that my own.

God Grace! I think I should stop wondering now.

…you stop listening? 

I recently stop hearing, which obviously is not the same, about the good things about myself; wonders overwhelmed my mind about what happened.  What has changed that has stop the music that used to serenade my ears and uplift and overcome whatever negativity that I have experienced.  Death, betrayal, deception, lost trust in human kind and all those interesting things that make any head doctor excited to explore with another human being.   I realized that I stop listening, I stop listening to myself; and I stop listening to others who might have been right then; and I care to little now.  As a dear friend of mine would suggest that I would be better if I see someone professionally and not casually.  The switch when off and I became immune to the things that once mattered.  I find myself trying to recognize this new person now who happens to be me and I’m having a hard time to be friend with.   I realized that if I don’t know myself right now; how can I let someone else get to know me or get close for that matter.  I have done things that I’m not proud of and for some unknown or perhaps known reasons I don’t care to find out why.  Success was something I wanted so badly; now that is here it doesn’t feel the way I thought it would.   Happiness is not longer wanted as much as it has lost its value just like a stock in the market.  So what’s new? training myself to take a step back and try not to lose everything.  This may sound backwards; but I need to step out and see my life from a different angle.  As comfortable as may feels something tells me that I have to regain confidence in listening to myself.

What do we believe more, that we have control of our lives or that life controls us and make whatever wants us to be?   I think… no I believe that certain aspects of our lives we can control; some others we don’t a clue and that’s why we call it something else.  Think of Luck, Coincidences, Accidents, this are things we no control of yet has everything to do with what we believe we can control.

As a person, I think I have control of my life; but as a particle of this world, I don’t, I’m basically nothing but a tiny little piece that complete the puzzle.  And for that reason, my feelings of myself lately are more like those of the particle, tiny, invisible, yet controlled by something bigger than myself, being part of something larger that if it wasn’t for all of us it wouldn’t exist.  

How do we come to think that we are everything in the world, and sometimes, nothing at all. why is it so extreme to either side that we hardly find balance in the middle of all so we can be what we most desire.  Or is that our problems? we are confused by what we are or want to be that we forget who we really are.  I think of the future,  feelings and all that other stuff we invest so much time in; and I can feel the headache before arrives.

Life as a Circle… we keep finding ourselves in the same place we felt we’ve been before; and I ask myself why is that.  Is it because the Circle reach its end and we find ourselves going back to the same place or the same feelings.  Is it the same experiences?  Could it be the same?  aren’t we growing father away front he same perhaps negative experiences as we could possibly could.  Why don’t feel the same way with the positive ones; when we are happy and everything seems to go in the right direction.  What do we do to break the Circle and create a straight line with no end; or with an end but not visible where you can predict what will happen, but just a line where we see new things coming at out and continuing until we get to that end.

My experiences lately has been more about thinking of the past, and confronting and controlling my feelings, and finding ways of making peace with myself.  what’s best, what is not, where am I going, and what path should I take to get there.  Thinking about the past has just brought me back to the the old circle point where I thought I was running away from.  where is the straight line?  when I thought my childhood memories were placed in a box and dropped into the sea, the current just brought it back with stronger feelings than before.  What I thought I felt then was over, it came back with vengeance and more powerful that I thought.  Again, I thought of controlling my feelings and situation, but I was short on that task. No one can tell you what or how handle a difficult situation in life; the person himself or herself must learn and use their own way of survival.   I have learned that my way it’s not the best for others; I have learned that what I do or feel at times of desperation can be confusing; but it works for me; and that’s what matter.  

As I question myself right now why talk about something and not really give the specific details; I’m sure would make people wonders, but none of the feelings can be written; we can only describe them as much as we can, but even then I think we felt short.

I’m ready for a new circle… no, for a new straight line!