moving… again?

Eighteen years ago I came to this country not knowing that I would stay this long. The trip was supposed to be an opportunity for the future if we, my brothers and sister, would wanted to come back and look for a better life.  It was another opportunity for me since we were strangers to one another.  I had different expectations of how that would come out from the actual way it did but that’s a whole different story. This is more about the places I’ve been and the ones yet I have to experience.  Once again I contemplate the option of moving to a new neighborhood. Not that I hate my current one; but it just that there isn’t anything around me that might even feel that I could have as an option.  I have learned to love my place and now that I’m getting used to its quietness; but I get bored of the area since it is nonexistent.  I wonder if this says something about my personality or if there are any hidden messages to it that I need to tell my psychologist.  

Since I came here I can say that I have move probably more than ten times and it might be and indication for the history I have looking for “home”.  That special place where you build something, not necessarily a building, but an actual home that you learn to love and care for.  I still feel incomplete on the sense that no matter how many times I move to either better place or neighborhood yet still don’t feel like home.  That feeling by be there for a while; but quickly disappear.  I like my place but there’s something about the area that scream at me “get out”.  Since I have a couple of months to really make up my mind; I’m going to look around and see if there’s any area that I might want to move to.  I know for sure that I want to live alone even though sometimes I contemplate the idea of having a roommate; but I feel I’m too old of that; but loneliness is a bitch and roommate since to be the cure for it.  Who knows, maybe I’m lucky and find something near where some of my friends lives and can use that as an excuse to turn up at their doorsteps once that loneliness comes and since financially I’m doing a bit better financially, I might be able to afford it a better neighborhood.

(Created with TuneWiki using Michael Andrews lyrics)



(Created with TuneWiki using Michael Andrews lyrics)

a bit star stroked

it was just another busy day at work; I was on a deep work mode trying to accomplished everything before my break; normally that happens an hour before I leave work, but this two ladies rolled in from the revolving door and as soon as I glanced at them I realized that one of them was very striking familiar. I started kicking my friend Lisa behind the desk and whispering the wrong names; but I knew who she was, she walked further and closer to me and suddenly we were almost face to face. SoonI caught myself staring; she took her white border dark glasses and looked into my eyes and ask me “I’m here to see Kulukundis”; apparently they are friends and she comes often to my work place, but this was the first time I see her so close and felt her eyes looking so deep into my soul. I have to admit that normally celebrities don’t do anything for me and I hardly care for them, but this one got me a bit nervous as I got excited to see her just minutes after talking about her video when she performed to the Queen of England. Still now I can’t believe that someone who I’m not the biggest fan of had me in such state. Love that something exciting like this happened on a crazy week like this one and so thank you Grace Jones for making my day.

Almost half an hour before I departed work for the fourth day; this young lady approached me and with a sweet voice ask me “I believe you have my scooter in storage”; once again I found myself stroked by another beauty; this one is one that I would probably go straight for and marry and have tones of kids with; but at that time composure was needed and what keeps us on our job and help us deliver the service expected at our property. I seen many celebrities and I have got the chance to exchange pleasantries but surely only a few got me excited or make me write about them. I just couldn’t believe that in less than two hours I met and exchanged words with two ladies that not only I find talented but that really made me feel something when I saw them in person; not many can really archive such a thing and I’m glad for it. I will be seeing you soon Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables!

Halloween

After the storm Sandy scared the hell out of everyone this week; I decided that it was time for me to get out of my apartment and celebrate Halloween.  I was indoors for two and half days and after watching numerous TV seasons programs I felt that I was loosing it and getting a bit mad. This would have been a different story if I had someone to spend my storm incarceration with.   I could have agreed to my ex “papito” and invited him to stay over when he past my house looking of his bike pump; but I didn’t think it was fair for him due that he seems not to understand the different places we are in.  I wouldn’t mind him staying over and enjoying each other company; but I know he wouldn’t see it like that and it would have been just a set back for him who has numerous time told me “he wanted to get away and move on”.  He may see me as the guy who doesn’t care about his feelings but I disagree.  We just have different visions of our lives I guess.  Anyway, I’m not a big complainer; I wouldn’t mind staying home for days, weeks or months if I have someone to eat soup and crackers with; someone to wake up next to or to invent cocktails at breakfast; I wouldn’t really care.   But I needed to get out of my place so I took a bus downtown as crazy as the experience was I didn’t care, I was on my own world and I was far away from what was happening around me.

This was my second Halloween that I spend with my friend Lisa. I recalled our first one which was totally unplanned and unexpectedly lots of fun and thinking of that spirit we decided to duplicate that and keep it low and casual.   I got a pretty good chance to think about this past year while I waited for Lisa and Harald at the designated restaurant; they were stuck in traffic and I was holding a bottle of wine while I waited.  Nothing to do then but to browse my phone and remembering some past memories and events that have filled this year.  I recalled the guy I met on the last Halloween, I decided to send him a “happy anniversary” message even though we are not in any kind of relationship except for the type that randomly we still text each other.   I recalled the lost of my mother and the unfinished business that have scared me for life.  I remembered the good news I have received based on the hard work I have put on this year and how rewarding that has been.   In less than a hour I went through many emotions trying to figure out where I was and what has happened.  At the end I felt good because I couldn’t have been so fortunate.  I could be on the street with no home or power, I could be asking someone for help and not feel confident that I would get it.  I felt really lucky that I have what I have and that I was where I was at that moment.  

My friend finally came and my thoughts then were to try to have a good time and enjoy our time.  At the beginning I felt I was missing something and even though I knew what it was I didn’t want to agree with my own thoughts… We had dinner and had great talks about life, people and our own Sandy situations… Shortly after dinner we changed venue to the gay nightclub XL; it was my second time there; the first time was a cabaret night which was kind of fun, but I didn’t stay more than 30 minutes; this time was more for the dance which I hadn’t been in months if not years. Walking in and listening to the music I felt a bit of rush and excited, reminiscing the old times kind of way, but that didn’t last long as we walked in and saw a bunch on kids in ass-less costumes parading the dance floor like a carnival; I slowly gave in and started to loose myself a bit.  Of course, at this point I had a few cocktails running through my veins so it wasn’t too difficult.   Lisa and I danced around, met some boys; either we were interested on their costumes and their dedication for creating some of the sequences that probably two them hours of weeks.  The we both caught a glance of a seven foot talk handsome guy who happen to be watching us dance, we both stop and say “wow, he is hot!” almost at the same time.   That’s when we decided to stay a little longer and see what happens.  We both agreed that we haven’t seen such a beautiful man in a long time; and we thought this guy can’t be by himself so we went back to our little dancing corner.  A few minutes later he decided to join the dance floor and keep staring at us; I wasn’t so much into him then because in a way I thought he was out of my league until… Long story short, we ended up kissing and dancing together, and the best part that encounter was that we didn’t even hook up or cared to get to know each other; that was just a club kiss and that was that; started and ended there.

I come to realized that no matter how hard you think your life is; it could be a lot more worse.  I’m learning to embrace things as they come, grab them, enjoy them, and keeping moving forward; great if I have someone to share those great moments that keep running through my head; but I won’t stop if I don’t.  I have give a lot and trust a lot and it has set me back; but grateful for the experiences because I have learned and it has enriched me in ways that I would never had if I didn’t dare to do them.

This could be Halloween but there’s no reason to be scare…

Neil Diamond - Solitary Man live 1971 

Enjoying a screw driver drink and listening to this on weather day like this may not be the positive thoughts I post earlier but surely enjoying it.  

happy thoughts

Random search made me go back in time and read some of my older posts. I realized that they weren’t the most positive ones and it seems that I only write when I’m not the happiest mood. Not that I care whether I sound positive or not; but I decided that maybe I should write about other things other than my deeper thoughts and sound less suicidal. lol! Today, I made the decision that I should be writing more about other things; that I should celebrate more and give credit to every aspect of my life; not everything is depressing, downer, ugly or unhappy in it.

Here to new thoughts, positive thoughts and sharing new life.

I will star with a couple of jokes I read recently; good icebreakers:

Baron Von Bronx: “The Bronx: When there’s just no time to go to Afghanistan”

King of Kings: “Brooklyn: Where someone can yell at a stranger “suck my d*@$! and the response is ‘is it organic?”

Marquis of Manhattan: “Manhattan. Where if you die on the sidewalk, you are still in someone’s way.”

Queens quasher: “if you ride the subway in Queens long enough, you won’t need to buy Rosetta Stone”

freedom

happy alone

sharing a smile

so far from home

what is freedom really?  are we ever free or we just like the idea, thoughts that we could once be.  what is it really when our ideals of freedom are to do something freely without opposition but when I really think about it I don’t think we ever free completely.  There’s always something that hold us back and it’s our mind, our conscious perhaps; but whatever it is; it has prevented me from doing or saying what’s really on my mind sometimes and even though I’m freeing myself from it I still feel it.  I see people afraid of not being liked, and I see myself of being careful, perhaps caring a little and I still wish to feel human for the same reason, but there are times where that doesn’t come across and that’s when I wish I weren’t trapped on my own thoughts or feelings.  Something I’m learning is to embrace freedom and really do what it means.  I have come a long way and as ludicrous as it may seems to me; I feel I still have lot to learn.   I’m glad where I am now compare to where I’ve been. I hoping for better times where I’m not longer prisoner of my own thoughts or conscious. 

Midnight and this is the song that came on my play list… anyone up for last dance? come on! don’t make me feel like a fool…

heartless…

A word that has come up a couple of times in the last few weeks.  First mention of it was about a movie. I was recommended to watch this titled movie because it seems dark and people think that’s what I’m into.  I love movies, but I really can watch anything.  If I recall, people have thought of me of having not taste in movies; but I don’t care about this opinions, and it doesn’t bother me at all either, I watch what I like, what makes me laugh when I want to laugh, or what makes me think when I want to think; this act is not an indication of who I am; but more about how I feel at that moment when I make that decision.

The second time was about a play.  This play has nothing to do with the movie; but people taught was “dark” enough also for me to like it.  All I know is that has been extended a couple of times due to its quality script and the good acting… I will check it out if I have the time. Hopefully will inspire me to write something about it.

And the last and perhaps more personal occasion this word has come up has been by a couple of individuals I made the mistake going out on a date or two with.  They both have found me “cold” and not being able to “trust” people easily while their express their feelings for me after the first date (really? who does that?).  I laughed a bit inside when I heard this trying to keep the face straight and no do in on their faces.   Besides their bad timing, I perhaps shouldn’t be too critical here, but…They might be right about the trust part,  I have to admit that I do not trust people easily and that’s something that I might need to work on, but I don’t think is something that I should be able to show to anyone on the first couple of dates.  I may be out of style or date here, but who trust someone on the first date?  I might have done that when I was 18 or in some other occasions on the past, but here I am talking about dating multiple people, obviously being trustful didn’t work either.  who are these people to judge me or anyone else for that matter?  I wonder if they were talking about their own insecurities or needs and were projecting their own fears on me.  I would like to disagree on them calling me cold.  I like to think I’m a warm person or  at least I’m approachable.  I’m happy to know myself and to know I have a heart that feels happiness, sadness, sorrow, and that beats faster whenever I’m excited and that somehow still keeps alive.   I’m sure there are millions of possibilities for them to think the way they do, and I for the way I do, but all I know is that I wouldn’t call someone heartless for any reason because I don’t know what keeps them alive or what make them feels they way they are being projected or perceived.  I find ignorance and lack of self knowledge on those who think this way and specially on those who think they have the rights to call someone heartless base on nothing but their own assumptions.