Eros: Random Affairs...

Random search made me go back in time and read some of my older posts. I realized that they weren’t the most positive ones and it seems that I only write when I’m not the happiest mood. Not that I care whether I sound positive or not; but I decided that maybe I should write about other things other than my deeper thoughts and sound less suicidal. lol! Today, I made the decision that I should be writing more about other things; that I should celebrate more and give credit to every aspect of my life; not everything is depressing, downer, ugly or unhappy in it.

Here to new thoughts, positive thoughts and sharing new life.

I will star with a couple of jokes I read recently; good icebreakers:

Baron Von Bronx: “The Bronx: When there’s just no time to go to Afghanistan”

King of Kings: “Brooklyn: Where someone can yell at a stranger “suck my d*@$! and the response is ‘is it organic?”

Marquis of Manhattan: “Manhattan. Where if you die on the sidewalk, you are still in someone’s way.”

Queens quasher: “if you ride the subway in Queens long enough, you won’t need to buy Rosetta Stone”

happy alone

sharing a smile

so far from home

what is freedom really?  are we ever free or we just like the idea, thoughts that we could once be.  what is it really when our ideals of freedom are to do something freely without opposition but when I really think about it I don’t think we ever free completely.  There’s always something that hold us back and it’s our mind, our conscious perhaps; but whatever it is; it has prevented me from doing or saying what’s really on my mind sometimes and even though I’m freeing myself from it I still feel it.  I see people afraid of not being liked, and I see myself of being careful, perhaps caring a little and I still wish to feel human for the same reason, but there are times where that doesn’t come across and that’s when I wish I weren’t trapped on my own thoughts or feelings.  Something I’m learning is to embrace freedom and really do what it means.  I have come a long way and as ludicrous as it may seems to me; I feel I still have lot to learn.   I’m glad where I am now compare to where I’ve been. I hoping for better times where I’m not longer prisoner of my own thoughts or conscious. 

A word that has come up a couple of times in the last few weeks.  First mention of it was about a movie. I was recommended to watch this titled movie because it seems dark and people think that’s what I’m into.  I love movies, but I really can watch anything.  If I recall, people have thought of me of having not taste in movies; but I don’t care about this opinions, and it doesn’t bother me at all either, I watch what I like, what makes me laugh when I want to laugh, or what makes me think when I want to think; this act is not an indication of who I am; but more about how I feel at that moment when I make that decision.

The second time was about a play.  This play has nothing to do with the movie; but people taught was “dark” enough also for me to like it.  All I know is that has been extended a couple of times due to its quality script and the good acting… I will check it out if I have the time. Hopefully will inspire me to write something about it.

And the last and perhaps more personal occasion this word has come up has been by a couple of individuals I made the mistake going out on a date or two with.  They both have found me “cold” and not being able to “trust” people easily while their express their feelings for me after the first date (really? who does that?).  I laughed a bit inside when I heard this trying to keep the face straight and no do in on their faces.   Besides their bad timing, I perhaps shouldn’t be too critical here, but…They might be right about the trust part,  I have to admit that I do not trust people easily and that’s something that I might need to work on, but I don’t think is something that I should be able to show to anyone on the first couple of dates.  I may be out of style or date here, but who trust someone on the first date?  I might have done that when I was 18 or in some other occasions on the past, but here I am talking about dating multiple people, obviously being trustful didn’t work either.  who are these people to judge me or anyone else for that matter?  I wonder if they were talking about their own insecurities or needs and were projecting their own fears on me.  I would like to disagree on them calling me cold.  I like to think I’m a warm person or  at least I’m approachable.  I’m happy to know myself and to know I have a heart that feels happiness, sadness, sorrow, and that beats faster whenever I’m excited and that somehow still keeps alive.   I’m sure there are millions of possibilities for them to think the way they do, and I for the way I do, but all I know is that I wouldn’t call someone heartless for any reason because I don’t know what keeps them alive or what make them feels they way they are being projected or perceived.  I find ignorance and lack of self knowledge on those who think this way and specially on those who think they have the rights to call someone heartless base on nothing but their own assumptions. 

The title of this posting; it’s not an exclamation of any kind; in fact, it’s about two different elements that brought some more wonders to my head.   and yes, I do wonder a lot which make my wonder a continuous element of my existence.  

GOD. everyone sort of know who this fellow is.  Or at least think we know.  Is the one we turn to when our friends and family are not there, fed up with our “wondering”, or they just don’t give a shit about what’s going on with our lives.   God, the one we think is sort of responsible for all the good things that happens to us; but not for the bad ones…

Anyway, I recently started wondering about GOD after seeing a Broadway play called GRACE.   Yeah, I know.  God is in showbiz. no really…

GRACE. explore everything we believe in about God and the human kind.  Everything that has to do with faith and/or believing.  Do we believe God exist?  and if we do; is he or she responsible for the things that happens to all of us?  Do we believe that we are here for a reason, creation of God and that whenever we about to kill ourselves is because we are being tested by the almighty?  I don’t know, but GRACE made me wonder a lot as I have probably mentioned ten times.  I come from a very religious family which practically believe that every particle on the universe is an act of God.   I believe that someone or something created us; but I’m having a hard time believing that the wrong and the ugly that happen to us is because of the same.  I’m having disbelieves that there’s a reason or an excuse to go through the emotions that we experience from time to time or always because of the bad events in our lives are part of God test.

Being alive is like being in a play; we born and that’s the opening act, we grow and that’s the development of the story, we grow old and die; and that’s when the curtain goes down; but what is after the curtain goes down?   what’s there a purpose while we were here alive on stage? did the actor, us, made us believe in something, made us get closer to  one another? or we just dismissed the story and believe our own?

I want to be remembered.  Maybe I won’t; but if I do, I’m sure won’t be all good, and that’s OK with me.  I don’t expect to have translated the story of my life so people believe what I want.  I think it will suffice that I’m remembered.  I wish to do well enough not be forgotten, I wish to do well enough to have the tiniest impact in someone’s life that I won’t  that would create someone else’s story more interesting that my own.

God Grace! I think I should stop wondering now.

…you stop listening? 

I recently stop hearing, which obviously is not the same, about the good things about myself; wonders overwhelmed my mind about what happened.  What has changed that has stop the music that used to serenade my ears and uplift and overcome whatever negativity that I have experienced.  Death, betrayal, deception, lost trust in human kind and all those interesting things that make any head doctor excited to explore with another human being.   I realized that I stop listening, I stop listening to myself; and I stop listening to others who might have been right then; and I care to little now.  As a dear friend of mine would suggest that I would be better if I see someone professionally and not casually.  The switch when off and I became immune to the things that once mattered.  I find myself trying to recognize this new person now who happens to be me and I’m having a hard time to be friend with.   I realized that if I don’t know myself right now; how can I let someone else get to know me or get close for that matter.  I have done things that I’m not proud of and for some unknown or perhaps known reasons I don’t care to find out why.  Success was something I wanted so badly; now that is here it doesn’t feel the way I thought it would.   Happiness is not longer wanted as much as it has lost its value just like a stock in the market.  So what’s new? training myself to take a step back and try not to lose everything.  This may sound backwards; but I need to step out and see my life from a different angle.  As comfortable as may feels something tells me that I have to regain confidence in listening to myself.

I just turned 35 years old and I feel this was probably one of my best birthdays ever.  I started celebrating a week ago and treated myself to numerous endowments and some pretty fun treats.  I spend time with some friends and coworkers that made the whole week celebration fun and worth a while.  However, I missed something, and it hit me last night when I decided to walk home for the second night in a row.  The first night I wasn’t sure what it was; after putting my friend in a taxi, I felt the need to walk and walk, and when I got home I felt good yet I felt I was missing something.  I couldn’t guess what it was, but I felt there was a little hole on that week celebration that I couldn’t figure it out right away; that everything that I was doing was great and happiness felt so close, but that little tiny feeling that forced me to walk home under the heat weather just raised the question of what could be wrong with me.  I realized that on my second night that even though I was surrounded by amazing people, and I had all the parties and fun times, I was going home alone. That no one was waiting or walking besides me, some one closer to me that friends, some one that deep down wish was there enjoy those moments with me…

today, I go back to work and either pretend that everything is fine and continue with my life as it goes or I could just seek professional help… that’s made me smile a little knowing that won’t happen. But as a friend said recently, I know that person is out there and just waiting for the right time to come along so I’m not worry weather it will happen or not, I have learned to deal with this feeling before and won’t put me down, it’s better to put them aside and move forward.  It sucks that we believe to be stronger when we are not, and that our lives fulfillment depends so much on them.  Looking forward to what this new year brings me…