My whole life I felt under appreciated and deprived of love. And all for reasons I guess I can or cannot explain; but I’m not even going to get into my life history here as most of it just want to forget. But I will say about my recent experiences with love and and other things is that it has been a roller coaster. Moments of highs and other of lows and others. I have given myself to the idea of love multiple times and I think I have given it all when I felt it; and for unknown reasons I still came short of the those dreams that I thought were so reachable; for whatever reasons never got there. I’m not perfect; and I know it; but I know also of what I’m worth and what I deserved; and when you give everything in the name of love the least someone expect is love in return or some sort of happiness fulfillment that at times seems for a very exclusive group.
thoughts, questions… accomplishments.
As I embrace my new journey or life; I sometimes find myself wondering. I wonder about the choices we have and the decisions we make. Are those the right ones? what if? How could I? etc. etc. I have always been the kind that think too much; perhaps analyze too much too and for that reason I tend to doubt myself and sometimes even question myself. I wish that every single decision I made don’t affect or hurt anyone, and feel confident that it always the best, or the right one to make. I sometimes think that just may be alright to question and to wonder; that’s probably better than being impulsive and just going “for it” without any thoughts into it. Our minds can play such games sometimes. How do we prevent it for making us feel its winning over us or that perhaps giving up to it is not a bad thing.
I’m on a very happy moment right now; things are going quiet well I must say, I’m currently in a fresh, young relationship where it feels like every day is a blessing and I should be totally grateful for that, and I am! However, there are times where the mind, again, play us and it’s like want to test us and play this game that happiness is never fully there, that perhaps, we should feel that we need to constantly work for it, constantly not forgetting why we have it or deserve it. It is like now that you have what you wanted; you still need to do more to keep it.
This may not sound as positive as I thought would be, but I have everything going well for me; I’m enjoy life, work, new adventures, and learning something every day which bring the excitement to my life. I just wish the thoughts sometimes would cease and let me just enjoy thoroughly what I have and have worked for so much.
As I mentioned above, things are going well for me right now. I’m super happy and excited. I’m looking forward to a couple of getting away trips #bb and I have planned. It was always been a dream of mine to travel more and learn more about people. I have done it a few times on the past and I have always feel jealous of the adventures people grab about. But I have never given up the dream of being able to travel more and finally I feel that I’m getting that accomplish.
I also feel that I’m getting closer to some other dreams that I will post more about them here later. But it’s always a nice feeling to feel that life is moving forward; that even though it is at a very slow pace that the one I wish for, I least I do not feel stuck or that time is being wasted.
ah. love. and other things…
Letting go… letting myself go!
We all have hard times letting go. Either this might be someone, something, or even past relationships or any sort of feelings; it’s not easy to let that of what we become so accustomed to let go. I have learned my lessons through the years and sometimes I have said things too fast and couldn’t help the way I felt and ended up taking all back even when regret was better choice of word; but I tried hard not to regret any; but nothing good comes out of regret so why do it. it’s better to move on even when it’s easier to say that do. Everyone says is healthy to say what you feel wildly but very little we think of the consequences of our words and actions. It can be selfishness or jealousy… actually could be anything.
I concentrate on letting go bad/negative energies, feelings, people and all that doesn’t bring anything to my life that is not worth investing on. I have the minimum doubts and the answer is; that’s not good enough. It may sounds judgmental and harsh; but I learn that the best medicine to not get hurt is to learn how to let go of anything we become attached to. The easily it becomes the easier to forget. I have learned that I could archive better sense of situations and move forward quicker than what the history has showed me. I’m accepting the good in everyone, everything and embracing it even when it’s not always perfect; I judge less and found it helps me with dealings of disappointments in any level that I have imagined before. I believe someone said “I wish I knew yesterday what I know today” but the same we will say about tomorrow. It’s about taking our experiences today, learning, and moving on as it never end. I concentrate on happiness, good feelings, good energy and trying to better myself instead of searching or looking for someone who is better so I can feel that there’s some sort of deserving relationship. The better I feel about myself and know what I can offer; the easier will be to find who value and treasure me for who I am. It’s not about what I can find; but about what I can offer; everything and everyone else will come along. I know it; and even if doesn’t come. I don’t any anyone other than myself to know of what I’m worth.
Letting myself go has been another learning experience as I have been very reserved about certain feelings or aspect of my personality that recently I starting to discover and experiencing. I must say my sensitivity and naiveté still preventing me to fully become what the inner self feels like; but I’m discovering and experiencing new exciting feelings and a different kind of joy that are very promising of future adventures. Happiness is tricky and when I thought I knew what it was; I’m realizing that there are millions of possibilities. I’m more than hopeful for what’s ahead and I’m embracing it all as it comes.
Letting myself go and letting go… life is beautiful!
An Open Letter
I’m sorry that my text wasn’t what you expected. It wasn’t mean to be anything at all except for perhaps some cry to make conversation, maybe more than conversation to seek answers to my own confusion at the moment. I thought that perhaps you would be more understandable as open as you say you are. It even less meant to degrade you or make you feel uncomfortable at all. For that I’m sorry; as I am for your childhood too. I believe that children who have a happy childhood have a happy life. For those who have a history or a not so pleasant one need to learn how to cope with it, live it, love it and learn from it. But also learn how to let go, how to forgive, and most importantly how to move forward from it. I sometimes feel that people use their childhood as an excuse to become better, not to fight for better life and often times use their past to ruin their future; but if we learn from it and let it be what it is and move forward; I think we can have better lives. I’m not saying that your childhood doesn’t need work even after you grow up, I think if you have open wounds maybe it’s time to fine a way to cure them and close them. Only after that you will be free; only after than you can be happy.
By the way, I may have judged you before about you being online. Before when it really meant something to our relationship and me. Now, I’m more open-minded I guess or call it understandable. But I must admit that still bothers me a little and I think that’s normal, no? I’m a human being. Do I think you need to be online to feel confortable talking to someone,? No. Do I think you need to overcome your shyness on sex websites? No. And what value does it have if some complete stranger who has no clue about your life and your past gives you a compliment? Is it really truthful? I don’t think so. Don’t you rather have that from someone who knows you or care about you either as a friend or lover; I think it has more meaning, don’t you think? But I again, we all have our ways of coping with things. Some people has faster, more productive methods and some are failures; I guess the best is the ones that gives us result; positive ones!
Theirs is a part of me that is very sad that our moment didn’t become what I expected it to be. Like you said; it’s no one’s faults but perhaps the time. I’m glad though that we met and experience what we did; otherwise we wouldn’t be here today being stronger human beings. Do I wish a different result, perhaps, but I’m happy to have us in each other’s lives.
I am open, and love you too!
Eighteen years ago I came to this country not knowing that I would stay this long. The trip was supposed to be an opportunity for the future if we, my brothers and sister, would wanted to come back and look for a better life. It was another opportunity for me since we were strangers to one another. I had different expectations of how that would come out from the actual way it did but that’s a whole different story. This is more about the places I’ve been and the ones yet I have to experience. Once again I contemplate the option of moving to a new neighborhood. Not that I hate my current one; but it just that there isn’t anything around me that might even feel that I could have as an option. I have learned to love my place and now that I’m getting used to its quietness; but I get bored of the area since it is nonexistent. I wonder if this says something about my personality or if there are any hidden messages to it that I need to tell my psychologist.
Since I came here I can say that I have move probably more than ten times and it might be and indication for the history I have looking for “home”. That special place where you build something, not necessarily a building, but an actual home that you learn to love and care for. I still feel incomplete on the sense that no matter how many times I move to either better place or neighborhood yet still don’t feel like home. That feeling by be there for a while; but quickly disappear. I like my place but there’s something about the area that scream at me “get out”. Since I have a couple of months to really make up my mind; I’m going to look around and see if there’s any area that I might want to move to. I know for sure that I want to live alone even though sometimes I contemplate the idea of having a roommate; but I feel I’m too old of that; but loneliness is a bitch and roommate since to be the cure for it. Who knows, maybe I’m lucky and find something near where some of my friends lives and can use that as an excuse to turn up at their doorsteps once that loneliness comes and since financially I’m doing a bit better financially, I might be able to afford it a better neighborhood.