My whole life I felt under appreciated and deprived of love. And all for reasons I guess I can or cannot explain; but I’m not even going to get into my life history here as most of it just want to forget. But I will say about my recent experiences with love and and other things is that it has been a roller coaster. Moments of highs and other of lows and others. I have given myself to the idea of love multiple times and I think I have given it all when I felt it; and for unknown reasons I still came short of the those dreams that I thought were so reachable; for whatever reasons never got there. I’m not perfect; and I know it; but I know also of what I’m worth and what I deserved; and when you give everything in the name of love the least someone expect is love in return or some sort of happiness fulfillment that at times seems for a very exclusive group.
It has been a few months since I’ve saw the Broadway Show If/Then, but it got me thinking about the storyline of a person living side by side two different lives based on the decision one would have made, but did not. I thought it was quite interesting as we sometimes think what would have happened if I had not made that decision or if I would have done something differently. Anyway, this is not a review of the Broadway Show, but I thought of the many decisions that I have made in my life and whether I regret them or not or if had the chance to go back would I change them. Many times we hear can’t live in the past must think of the future and it get confusing because the decisions I will make in the future are based on the ones I made on the past; who would want the same bad things to happen again or maybe is not about bad things; maybe I want to same that I had before because it what would make me happy.
I personally like not to regret any decisions as I have always move forward with my life and rarely looking back, but there are times when reflecting thoughts comes to my mind and just make me wonder.
Today life moves as usual for me and even though it has been a while since I posted anything here, I think not much has changed. Actually, there might be a few things. I’m extremely happy with my work, even when it get crazy and overwhelming; I’m happy I made the decision of changing job at the beginning of the year and on this position I’m learning a lot about Sales & Marketing for the hotel, my work network has increased as well as my responsibilities. On a more personal note, I couldn’t be happier how things are planning out in general. I have a beautiful husband and recently we both welcomed our newest addition to the family, Benji. The cutest dog ever, yeah I’m sure everyone says that about their dogs, but this one is really cute. He is a miniature Australian Shepherd. I have been traveling a bit for work, but that’s something I really want to do more for myself. I want to discover more about our world and humanity, it has always been my desires and continue to be on top of my “to do” list. Oh, and also to be more diligent with my posting here, it seems I don’t get to do as often as I wish to.
I’m on a third day of a seven days cleansing and detoxing, and I’m not sure how I got here except that it has been a very interesting ride past since my last post. Many exciting things happened and more on the way. In many ways, it has been time of cleaning, new beginnings and setting the tone for the future.
Last year goals were to find a new job and to finally become an American citizen. The job didn’t quiet happened, but I did manage to get my citizenship for which almost took me 20 years to get. I continue my growth and development on my field while waiting for opportunities to come. In many ways, I felt accomplished yet when it came to my job I was in need of a challenge. Being in the hospitality can be very monotonous sometimes regardless of people’s opinion. So I waited until now…
On a more personal note, lots have happened as well. This 2014 brought lots of changes. I recently married my beautiful boyfriend, Rafael aka BB, for which I’m so grateful to have in my life, his personality and affection has given me comfort, serenity and confidence that I didn’t think was possible. He is loving and adorable in so many ways that many of the accomplishments I have archived in the past 12 months wouldn’t have been possible without him. For him, I’m grateful and thankful.
And so I embarked on another year feeling accomplished, I set my new goals in life. I know that persistence is the key, and of course, learning from history to avoid repeating the same mistakes. I’m not sure what the future hold; and I’m not worry because whatever it is, I feel more prepared than before, and I’m embracing every opportunities for learning and experiencing life.
I guess there is not message on this post except for being positive, and accepting who you are and what life has intended for everyone. I’m being positive as my hard work is paying off, and there is not greater feeling than that. In less than two weeks I start my new job at a familiar company, I will go back with Starwood Hotels and will be holding a higher management position. Even though I didn’t get the job last year, I’m starting this year with another accomplishment goal. I think it will set the tone for what’s coming ahead this year.
thoughts, questions… accomplishments.
As I embrace my new journey or life; I sometimes find myself wondering. I wonder about the choices we have and the decisions we make. Are those the right ones? what if? How could I? etc. etc. I have always been the kind that think too much; perhaps analyze too much too and for that reason I tend to doubt myself and sometimes even question myself. I wish that every single decision I made don’t affect or hurt anyone, and feel confident that it always the best, or the right one to make. I sometimes think that just may be alright to question and to wonder; that’s probably better than being impulsive and just going “for it” without any thoughts into it. Our minds can play such games sometimes. How do we prevent it for making us feel its winning over us or that perhaps giving up to it is not a bad thing.
I’m on a very happy moment right now; things are going quiet well I must say, I’m currently in a fresh, young relationship where it feels like every day is a blessing and I should be totally grateful for that, and I am! However, there are times where the mind, again, play us and it’s like want to test us and play this game that happiness is never fully there, that perhaps, we should feel that we need to constantly work for it, constantly not forgetting why we have it or deserve it. It is like now that you have what you wanted; you still need to do more to keep it.
This may not sound as positive as I thought would be, but I have everything going well for me; I’m enjoy life, work, new adventures, and learning something every day which bring the excitement to my life. I just wish the thoughts sometimes would cease and let me just enjoy thoroughly what I have and have worked for so much.
As I mentioned above, things are going well for me right now. I’m super happy and excited. I’m looking forward to a couple of getting away trips #bb and I have planned. It was always been a dream of mine to travel more and learn more about people. I have done it a few times on the past and I have always feel jealous of the adventures people grab about. But I have never given up the dream of being able to travel more and finally I feel that I’m getting that accomplish.
I also feel that I’m getting closer to some other dreams that I will post more about them here later. But it’s always a nice feeling to feel that life is moving forward; that even though it is at a very slow pace that the one I wish for, I least I do not feel stuck or that time is being wasted.
ah. love. and other things…
Letting go… letting myself go!
We all have hard times letting go. Either this might be someone, something, or even past relationships or any sort of feelings; it’s not easy to let that of what we become so accustomed to let go. I have learned my lessons through the years and sometimes I have said things too fast and couldn’t help the way I felt and ended up taking all back even when regret was better choice of word; but I tried hard not to regret any; but nothing good comes out of regret so why do it. it’s better to move on even when it’s easier to say that do. Everyone says is healthy to say what you feel wildly but very little we think of the consequences of our words and actions. It can be selfishness or jealousy… actually could be anything.
I concentrate on letting go bad/negative energies, feelings, people and all that doesn’t bring anything to my life that is not worth investing on. I have the minimum doubts and the answer is; that’s not good enough. It may sounds judgmental and harsh; but I learn that the best medicine to not get hurt is to learn how to let go of anything we become attached to. The easily it becomes the easier to forget. I have learned that I could archive better sense of situations and move forward quicker than what the history has showed me. I’m accepting the good in everyone, everything and embracing it even when it’s not always perfect; I judge less and found it helps me with dealings of disappointments in any level that I have imagined before. I believe someone said “I wish I knew yesterday what I know today” but the same we will say about tomorrow. It’s about taking our experiences today, learning, and moving on as it never end. I concentrate on happiness, good feelings, good energy and trying to better myself instead of searching or looking for someone who is better so I can feel that there’s some sort of deserving relationship. The better I feel about myself and know what I can offer; the easier will be to find who value and treasure me for who I am. It’s not about what I can find; but about what I can offer; everything and everyone else will come along. I know it; and even if doesn’t come. I don’t any anyone other than myself to know of what I’m worth.
Letting myself go has been another learning experience as I have been very reserved about certain feelings or aspect of my personality that recently I starting to discover and experiencing. I must say my sensitivity and naiveté still preventing me to fully become what the inner self feels like; but I’m discovering and experiencing new exciting feelings and a different kind of joy that are very promising of future adventures. Happiness is tricky and when I thought I knew what it was; I’m realizing that there are millions of possibilities. I’m more than hopeful for what’s ahead and I’m embracing it all as it comes.
Letting myself go and letting go… life is beautiful!
An Open Letter
I’m sorry that my text wasn’t what you expected. It wasn’t mean to be anything at all except for perhaps some cry to make conversation, maybe more than conversation to seek answers to my own confusion at the moment. I thought that perhaps you would be more understandable as open as you say you are. It even less meant to degrade you or make you feel uncomfortable at all. For that I’m sorry; as I am for your childhood too. I believe that children who have a happy childhood have a happy life. For those who have a history or a not so pleasant one need to learn how to cope with it, live it, love it and learn from it. But also learn how to let go, how to forgive, and most importantly how to move forward from it. I sometimes feel that people use their childhood as an excuse to become better, not to fight for better life and often times use their past to ruin their future; but if we learn from it and let it be what it is and move forward; I think we can have better lives. I’m not saying that your childhood doesn’t need work even after you grow up, I think if you have open wounds maybe it’s time to fine a way to cure them and close them. Only after that you will be free; only after than you can be happy.
By the way, I may have judged you before about you being online. Before when it really meant something to our relationship and me. Now, I’m more open-minded I guess or call it understandable. But I must admit that still bothers me a little and I think that’s normal, no? I’m a human being. Do I think you need to be online to feel confortable talking to someone,? No. Do I think you need to overcome your shyness on sex websites? No. And what value does it have if some complete stranger who has no clue about your life and your past gives you a compliment? Is it really truthful? I don’t think so. Don’t you rather have that from someone who knows you or care about you either as a friend or lover; I think it has more meaning, don’t you think? But I again, we all have our ways of coping with things. Some people has faster, more productive methods and some are failures; I guess the best is the ones that gives us result; positive ones!
Theirs is a part of me that is very sad that our moment didn’t become what I expected it to be. Like you said; it’s no one’s faults but perhaps the time. I’m glad though that we met and experience what we did; otherwise we wouldn’t be here today being stronger human beings. Do I wish a different result, perhaps, but I’m happy to have us in each other’s lives.
I am open, and love you too!